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God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

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God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
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God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule

NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday.

"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."

Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called "an unending cycle of violence."

"I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."

The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter ...

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http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28151

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    • Geoffrey Ames Geoffrey Ames
      3 weeks ago


      Begging the question: how many ways can you interpret these four words: Thou shalt not kill?
      Literally, poetically, mythologically, logically, scientifically, mathematically, I come up with the same result. Don't kill. Don't murder. Don't end lives. No exceptions. So what's a life, a living being? Your enemy is a living being whether he believes what you do, has a different sexual orientation, or different color skin. No more executions. No more wars.
      Hermeneutics
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