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More Partners, Not More Love

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More Partners, Not More Love
Description
How sad that marriage and family have been further desecrated by the notion that it's just another lifestyle for spouses to have long-term "meaningful" sexual relationships with others [Life section, May 8, "One Woman, Many Beds"].
Original URL
http://www.courant.com/news/opinion/editorials/hc-digedlets0914.art2may14,0,184249.story

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  • Public Comments

    • Daniel Feldman Daniel Feldman
      19 months ago


      I agree with your reasoning, Irma. There are rather large ethical boundaries in which reasonable people can disagree on right and wrong. To assume some absolute right and wrong is rather narrowminded.

      As a disclaimer I was unable to locate the original posting which prompted Ms. Okamoto's response. So I can only address the issues which Ms. Okaomto critiques.

      Certainly polyamory is a conscious choice. But likely those that choose it are choosing it because it is more manageable for them than monogamy is. Love and intimacy are never easy ... interesting, challenging, rewarding, stimulating ... definitely. Interpersonal dynamics are always different between people -- it is too difficult to generalize.

      Years ago, back in grad school, I remember reading a socio-biological book titled Sexual Strategies. It included many examples of the sexual behavior of several animal species. Essentially with regard to primates the goals for males and females were quite different. The ideal strategy for a male was to inseminate as many healthy females as possible (quantity taking precedence over quality), while the ideal strategy for the female, given the assumption that she would invest the time and energy to nurture her offspring, was to select one (or a limited number of) healthy, high-status males to provide for her and her offspring (quality taking precedence over quantity).

      Ms Okamoto writes:
      How irresponsible to raise children to accept this sort of behavior. How secure can these children feel in this kind of atmosphere, and how strong and trusting will their relationships be with others?

      Again I did not read the article, and I have not thought through all the ramifications of polyamory in the context of raising children, but I sense a series of new problems arise in this case, for not just the children, but also the adults.

      In a childless household, one in which the adults decided that they wished not to have children, many of the problems disappear. In addition the woman (or women), assuming that they could support themselves financially, could "afford" to express a sexual strategy approaching a man's ideal strategy (that of favoring quantity).

      Ms. Okamoto's states that "there is no real self-giving commitment to any of the partners in this lifestyle" and that "these people would probably disagree that love has anything to do with commitment and self-sacrifice".

      Again she argues from a slippery slope by assuming that only members of monogamous relationships can exhibit "self-giving commitment" and "self-sacrifice". Monogamous relationships are also no guarantee of love.
      Polyamory

    • Irma Vermaat Irma Vermaat
      19 months ago


      I imagine she was reacting to Head Of 'Polyamory' Group Discusses Multiple Partners ...
      Polyamory

    • Irma Vermaat Irma Vermaat
      19 months ago


      "Conclusion: If it seems too hard to do the right thing, do the wrong thing, advertise it, create support groups to help others take the same road and try to make it an acceptable lifestyle "

      Who is to decide what is the right thing and what is the wrong thing, eh? I'm not saying polyamory is for everyone, but it certainly is a conscious choice, and not the easiest of choices for that matter.

      How telling that "polyamorist" Robyn Trask said the don't-ask-don't-tell policy really didn't work for her because, she says, "I found that it was just like cheating and lying, and I didn't want to cheat and lie."

      Mmm ... how telling that the writer of seems to think that not wanting to lie and cheat is a bad thing ...
      Polyamory
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