The Ratio

I went out tonight.  Hit some bars I like with a friend, and generally was looking to meet people.  Thursday night might not be the best time for this, but it's certainly not the worst.  Looking around, I got to thinking:

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I'm not sure where I first heard it-- it may have been Loveline or some other late night radio show... but somehow I got the idea that when approaching women, you should get shot down 9 times out of 10.  Of course, approaching women with absolutely zero setup is pretty intimidating; I don't think I tested this theory out for a good 10 years.  And I appreciate where the crafters of this ratio are coming from-- it's damn hard, and it's even harder to keep trying after getting shot down once or twice.  Expecting to only get through 10% of the time encourages you to try all the more often.

But seriously, 90% failure rate?  That's crap.  If you're getting rejected 9 of 10 times, that means first off, you're a really earnest guy.  I mean, you're trying hard, and you're persistent.  These are valuable traits, but they can quickly get you into trouble.  More importantly, this means you're doing something wrong.  But this shouldn't discourage you-- you can quickly improve by changing your tactics.

In my experience, I get "shot down" about 1/2 to 2/3 of the time.  Now that needs a little clarification-- getting "shot down" depends entirely on what you're looking for.  Generally, when approaching a random stranger, I'm hoping to get to know a bit about them and then end up going on a date later with them.  In general, though, regardless of your intentions, you shouldn't be failing any more than 1 in 3 times.  If so, it may be time to re-examine your methods.

Hopefully I'll talk about other situations and intentions in the future, but for now, let's focus on the woman in the bar you'd like to get to know.  There are an endless number of ways to approach the situation, but let me outline what works best for me:

Get feedback before you start
It's extremely rare that I'm successful starting conversation with someone I don't think has even noticed me yet.  Not that I won't try while waiting for a bartender or in line, it's just not a great success rate.  Before you start, try for eye contact.  A look is good.  A smile is great.  You won't get much, as typically they're not looking to pick you up, but any interest is enough to proceed.  What you're really looking for is the person who actively doesn't give you any feedback.  Someone who looks away or is never willing to meet your eye is probably not looking to be approached.  Weed them out and your success rate will climb.

Know what you want
If you approach someone looking for idle chat while you wait or a littel flirting in passing, that's fine.  That's just what you'll get.  Move on.  Nothing's more awkward than getting a more positive response than you expected and trying to capitalize on it immediately.

Also, don't waste anyone's time.  If you approach someone for their number, don't dance around it for 10 minutes.  You're not there to convince them you're dateworthy.  By the time you say, "hello" they've already made that assessment.  Reverse the situation-- does it take more than 3 seconds to decide if you want to get to know someone?  It's either an immediate "no" or a maybe.  Be happy being a maybe, get a number, and worry about the first date to make a good impression.  The longer you talk, the more likely you slide into the maybe category.

Be honest
This is going to be a major theme in this blog.  It's perhaps the best piece of advice I can give.  Somewhere in my past I came to the conclusion that I needed to "trick" women into dating me.  That the game of picking them up or taking them home was at least partly against their better judgment.  

When approaching someone in a bar, you're not trying to coerce them to go out with you.  You're looking to see if the two of you would have fun going out.  This single change in perspective made a huge impact on my success rate.  I can't pinpoint any particular thing I've done differently, but after realizing this, I've had more relationsihps and been much happier with them.  It also makes the decision not to date someone that much easier-- it's not a rejection of them, but rather a low appraisal of your compatibility.  While I'm sure I've said that as a cop-out when breaking up, it truly does make things easier when you believe it.  And you'd be amazed at how well people respond when you're completely honest with them.

Don't be creepy
This is a great one.  It's far too easy to come across as a weirdo without trying.  The biggest defense against this is not to try too hard.  Don't buy the stranger a drink.  Don't start with a canned pickup line.  Don't get dressed for the night with the intention of wooing women.  Don't quote trivia, movie lines, poetry, jokes, or pop culture references.  As I mentioned before, you don't need to impress anyone.  The hardest thing is to be yourself-- do that, smile, and accomplish what you set out to do.  Then call it a night.

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So in all we hit three bars.  Not bad for a Thursday.  First one, there weren't many people there.  My friend and I got a table and ordered a couple drinks.  It was one of the swankier bars, but there's not much to be had on a Thursday.  After a few minutes, we decided the only possibly single people were the waitresses.  When ours came around, we closed our tab, and I asked her about the taller one that had been walking around.  She was engaged.  Not for me, so I asked our waitress to forward my congratulations and mild dissapointment, and we paid our tab and left.

The second bar was a bit more busy.  An Irish pub that's got a younger crowd.  My friend sat while I went to the bar for drinks.  No one was paying any attention to me-- a couple women in groups gave me the quick glance-then-look-away meaning they probably didn't want any attention (or at least I'm not bold enough to try).  At the bar, I waited forever for the bartender.  During my wait an attractive woman slid in next to me, also waiting for the bartender.  When he finally came around, I gestured to her, and he got her drink order.  (mildly creepy-- I had to be ready to smile and move on if she showed no interest)  She said, "thanks" with solid eye contact, and I went straight into, "I'm Tom," offering my hand for a shake.  She took it and introduced herself.  Had the bartender taken longer, this would have been an awkward time, but he returned with her drinks, and I was able to make some kind of "I'm in a rush to get back to my group and so are you" comment.  Though we really hadn't talked at all, I asked for her number before she left.  She gave me a half-smile and wrote it on her half of her receipt (pen and paper in hand dodged another obstacle) and returned to her table.  I stayed and got my drinks, and left as well.  I tried to give her a smile on the way by, but she gave me no eye contact.

There were a couple other opportunities for numbers at this bar, but I followed a basic rule:  One number per bar.  You never look for the second one.  Reasons for this should be obvious.

The third bar was a bust.  It was late on a weekday, and most of the women were in groups with equal numbers of men and women, which would have taken more energy to analyze than I was willing to expend.  The one is fine for me, and a success for a weekday.