How to meet people

The single most common question I get from my friends is, "How do I meet new people?"  Of course the answer depends on a lot of things-- what type of people you're trying to meet, what your lifestyle is like, etc. 

On average, I meet and date one new person a week.  With this, I probably come across a person I'm interested in having an established, romantic relationship with about once a month.  The rate seems to be self-limiting.  Obviously, when I'm out on a date, I'm not looking to meet any new women.  When I'm dating a lot of people, there's less time I have to meet new people.  And of course, the opposite is true-- when I'm not seeing very many people, I have more time to meet them.

So how do you find these people to date?  The primary key here is not a specific place or method, but a general state of mind:  you should always be looking.  The places you visit normally are full of other people-- I've met people at grocery stores, restaurants, parks, a car wash, the recycling center, the gym, bars, parties, even the gas station.  There are certainly places where it's easier to meet people (bars) and places where it's more difficult (the gas station), but there should never be a time that you're not available to talk to a stranger.

So this brings up a huge pitfall for someone trying this out-- you don't want to come across as creepy.  And this is extremely easy to do, particularly in some of the less socially-acceptable pickup spots.  Think about why a person approaching you at a gas station might seem creepy.  First off, their motives-- anyone looking for a date with someone they've never seen apart from pumping gas is a little suspect.  He must have low to no standards to assume this person's their type.  Secondly, their sociality.  It's generally not acceptable for one person to hit on another at the pump.  If a person fails to follow this simple rule, what other strange things are they likely to do?

So how do you avoid being seen as a creepy guy approaching someone looking for a girlfriend?  The common solution is to act like you're not that guy.  Veil your intentions, be charming, and let everything work its way out.  This solution is terrible.  A far better one is just to be honest, be yourself, and don't be the creepy guy.  Don't approach someone in a strange situation like this trying to get a date.  If you see someone you're attracted to at a gas station, say hello.  Be friendly, chat if they're receptive, and get to know a little about the person.  You can pick up a lot about a person in 20 seconds, and perhaps then you're interested in talking more.  If not, no harm. 

Going from no contact to arranging a first date is a lot of steps, and trying to jump or even look past to the next one betrays a desire for a relationship, rather than a relationship with the subject you've approached.  Bad things happen this way, and people are generally opposed to it, even if they don't realize it.


For someone who's introverted, just approaching a stranger and striking conversation can be daunting.  If you need to break the initial contact into even smaller steps, you've got four things to do:  make eye contact, smile, then say hello, then ask a question.  At all four stages look for feedback, and at any time you can break off the interaction without any weirdness.  If she doesn't meet your eyes, or smile back, or say hello, you can be done without any embarrassment.  If you get to the question, it can be as simple as, "How are you?"  If you get no response or a short one without any follow-up, you can still excuse yourself and go on your way.  Once you're past that, you're in a conversation.  And only practice can help you with that.


As a quick clarification, "always looking" doesn't mean that you don't leave the house unless you're dressed well and clean-shaven.  One of my best friends I picked up for the first time when I made a quick stop at the grocery store on the way home from the gym, still in my sweaty shirt.  It does mean that you've got to get out of the house, which brings us to "Where do I meet people?"

But as I'm making an effort to keep these within a reasonable length, that will have to be the topic next time.