The Fundamental Law: Be Honest

There is one single point that most of this blog will revolve around.  It's very simple, and very important.  It can probably be distilled down into the phrase Be Honest, but it's a little more precise than that:

I've seen over and over men and women portraying something false in order to establish or progress a relationship.  It can take many forms and sizes, but typically it's the man showing interest he pretends is non romantic when he has those intentions.  Sometimes this is purely manipulative-- he has a goal, and does the actions that he thinks will maximize his chance of achieving that goal.  

Whether your goal is dating, marriage, or sex, there are two possible outcomes:  either you fail at your goal, or you achieve it through your artificial means.  Failing is obviously no fun, though typically you set yourself up so that you don't fail catastrophically embarrassingly.  Success is where the ultimate meltdown usually occurs.  Let's take a very typical example of a friend of mine and his very attractive girlfriend.  Obviously, names have been changed in the following story:

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Andrew and Betty work in different divisions in the same company.  Andrew's job requires that he deal with employees all across the office, but he has some latitude about who he works with.  Betty's very attractive, and while Andrew considers himself above average, in their chance encounters it's clear she doesn't see him as anything but another coworker.  He decided he would ultimately like her to be his girlfriend, and sets forth a plan:

In Betty's department, Andrew makes sure she's his liaison.  There's very little extra she has to do, just meet with him twice a month for lunch to discuss company workings.  As far as she knows, her selection for this added duty was done either randomly or by someone far above Andrew.  He never states this, but he also doesn't refute it when she makes a passing comment.

Each lunch, Andrew has a small number of topics planned out that aren't work-related for when the conversation stalls.  After each meeting, he keeps personal notes about what she talked about and about details in her life.  He has a couple close friends who advise him on what he's doing, but most often they tell him to just go for it, and he prefers to take his time.

The two obviously become quick acquaintances.  Andrew learns about Betty's family and personal life and is quite attentive in keeping up with all its details.  Betty of course appreciates the friendship.  The two are soon exchanging work-friendly humorous emails, teasing each other lightly in the coffee room, essentially being good work friends.  

Andrew stagnates slightly here, but has also found a couple interests they have in common.  When a movie comes out they're both interested in, he mentions that a friend of his canceled and he's got tickets.  She has plans that night, so he goes with another friend so as to give away the fact that it was a fabrication.  A few weeks later, he ropes some friends in to go to a wine tasting at a local restaurant.  He invites her with enough notice that she's able to go.  His friends understand that it's a date-- just she's in the dark.  Things go well enough, and they all decide to do it again.  The next time she brings a friend, and they all get along.  Andrew's pleased he's bridged the work-personal life boundary.

Now being able to talk about things a little less work-friendly, the lunches are much more relaxed.  He hears about men she might be interested in, or went on a date with, and he tells her what he thinks is the optimal level of his sociality without giving her too much competition.  He does his best to portray himself as desirable but not cocky, and he does a good job of it.  For a little while, Betty has a boyfriend she's serious about, and Andrew gives her the male perspective on things.  Though he was never enthusiastic about the competition, the relationship runs its course and ends without too much intervention from Andrew.

The two have become very good friends now.

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I'm going to stop the story now.  The next step is obvious-- good friends make good relationships.  Either they drunkenly end up going too far, or Andrew professes his romantic intentions, or Betty starts escalating toward exclusivity... however it happens, it seems inevitable that the two will end up together and live happily ever after.  

The question I'd like to pose is, does this sound like a good start?  If they do date for an extended time, is Andrew going to always have the secret that he orchestrated their matchup?  And if not, how do you expect Betty to act?

The facts are these:  Andrew decided to date someone with very little information about them.  His decision was obviously superficial, as he knew next to nothing of her character.  He was dishonest in his intentions, dishonest in representing himself, and relied on the emotional bond of a casual friendship to impose himself in a deeper relationship.  None of this was organic or natural.

Betty never had a chance to choose Andrew.  He worked his way into her life slowly enough to make it happen.  Don't tell the stalkers in the world, but a high enough level of persistence has a very low failure rate.  It's also a complete dismissal of your partner's ability to make their own decisions.  Regardless of how it ended, the courtship was executed through manipulation.

There are also a couple more details I left out:  Betty quite obviously expected a couple reactions from Andrew.  He was a smart enough guy to give them.  Where she had strong opinions and he wasn't that adamant, he adopted her ideas.  He obviously stood strong and even outspoken on topics they agreed with, but there was a bit of compromise involved if he was to appear to be the great guy she thought he was.  When the two of them went to the wine tastings, there was the occasional awkward topic where Andrew felt out of place expressing himself the way he did with Betty in front of his friends.  In private, the two of them chalked that up to others not understanding their relationship.  In the reality that Andrew didn't realize until much later, he'd conditioned himself to be a better match for Betty.

In the long run, the relationship failed.  Supernova-style.  They survived Andrew admitting his scheming-- he waited until long enough in that it caused some hard feelings, but they were emotionally committed enough to forgive.  They lasted more than a year and a half together on a foundation built of nothing.  I've seen Betty a time or two since this, but our interactions were cold at best.  I don't think Andrew's seen her since they ended it.

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The problem with the whole Be Honest policy is that occasionally you get short-term negative feedback.  I'm pretty sure if Andrew had started out by dropping by and asking Betty out, he would not have gotten far.  If he did get a first date and he'd been himself rather than trying to be something she'd find attractive, he probably wouldn't have gone on a second, even if she had wanted to.  Failure was necessary between the two of them.  All the dishonesty just pushed it further down the road.

All of this is of course very easy to say and very difficult to do.  While it's not hard to look back and see how well things went when you followed the advice of "Be Yourself," it's ridiculously difficult to follow that advice when in an awkward situation.  Anyone can (or should be able to) be themselves around their good friends.  Doing this with a person you meet for the first time can be excruciatingly tough.  And any deviation from who you are looks artificial to an astute observer.

A big step I took in being able to follow this advice was self-supporting.  When you're honest with people, you're expressing yourself accurately.  When you're up front and honest, you have little to hide, so it comes more easily.  Andrew was constantly worried someone would find his notes on their conversations or Betty would see through his casual invitations.  He needed to remember the right things to say and the right reactions to have to her stories.  One can't worry about all these things and then be able to relax and be themselves.