Practical Polyamory: John Edwards, Cheating and the Ethics of Polyamory

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Certainly our society's fetish for monolithic, life long monogamy as the be-all and end-all of relationships creates fertile ground for cheating. This doesn't let the cheater off the ethical hook, but it does go a long way toward explaining why people in western society - and especially in the puritanical United States - cheat in such significant numbers. With those cultural underpinnings in mind, I prefer to take a "come to Jesus" approach instead of trash talking about those who are cheating. Instead I encourage people to consider being open and honest with their partners and that they encourage their partners to come clean with *their* partners, even though that might seem daunting.

Certainly coming clean is not without risk to relationship stability, but getting caught is a lot riskier. I know this from witnessing the personal experiences of others. I felt so guilty that in my first marriage I voluntarily disclosed the affair I had to my husband before it was discovered. Even then I was on shaky ethical ground, as my confession was as much about gaining absolution and forgiveness from my husband - something that turned out to be in very short supply - as it was about being honest. Some would say it was only fair that he eventually had an affair of his own. At least I can say that I kept my promise never to do it again.

Relationships where cheating is going on are already on shaky ground, and when an affair is discovered, it is the damage to trust, an essential relationship component, that is exceedingly difficult to mend. My friend, Alan, who writes the Polyamory in the News blog, calls resisting the urge to engage in intimacy with someone who is cheating "choosing the difficult right over the easy wrong." I gather that Franklin would agree with that assessment, and certainly so do I. Failing to make the right choice falls well short of the spirit of polyamory, also referred to as responsible non-monogamy due to its ethos that requires openness and honesty with all partners/stakeholders.

Certainly our society's fetish for monolithic, life long monogamy as the be-all and end-all of relationships creates fertile ground for cheating. This doesn't let the cheater off the ethical hook, but it does go a long way toward explaining why people in western society - and especially in the puritanical United States - cheat in such significant numbers. With those cultural underpinnings in mind, I prefer to take a "come to Jesus" approach instead of trash talking about those who are cheating. Instead I encourage people to consider being open and honest with their partners and that they encourage their partners to come clean with *their* partners, even though that might seem daunting.

Certainly coming clean is not without risk to relationship stability, but getting caught is a lot riskier. I know this from witnessing the personal experiences of others. I felt so guilty that in my first marriage I voluntarily disclosed the affair I had to my husband before it was discovered. Even then I was on shaky ethical ground, as my confession was as much about gaining absolution and forgiveness from my husband - something that turned out to be in very short supply - as it was about being honest. Some would say it was only fair that he eventually had an affair of his own. At least I can say that I kept my promise never to do it again.

Relationships where cheating is going on are already on shaky ground, and when an affair is discovered, it is the damage to trust, an essential relationship component, that is exceedingly difficult to mend. My friend, Alan, who writes the Polyamory in the News blog, calls resisting the urge to engage in intimacy with someone who is cheating "choosing the difficult right over the easy wrong." I gather that Franklin would agree with that assessment, and certainly so do I. Failing to make the right choice falls well short of the spirit of polyamory, also referred to as responsible non-monogamy due to its ethos that requires openness and honesty with all partners/stakeholders.

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http://practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com/2008/08/john-edwards-cheating-and-ethics-of.html

http://practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com/2008/08/john-edwards-cheating-and-ethics-of.html