Personal Thoughts On Fair and Equal

Description

I am putting this whole thing behind a cut. It is a working write-up of a couple of concepts I have been working on for weeks. It goes along with a larger write-up on my thoughts on communication. I am putting it out there for questions, comments, arguments. There is no greater way for my thought processes to be honed down than by having someone challenge them.

I hear the term 'fair' and 'equal' thrown around a lot in poly relationships- "I treat all my partners equally." "It's not fair that he gets more time than I do." These terms are wrought with emotion and along with the phrase "I'm sorry" becoming near meaningless. Dictionary.com provided me these definitions.

Fair-

1.	free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice: a fair decision; a fair judge.

2.	legitimately sought, pursued, done, given, etc.; proper under the rules: a fair fight.

The word 'fair' when applied to relationships seems is used with the meaning "he has something that I dont have and I want it and because of who I am- I am supposed to have it." It is used with a sense of ownership and entitlement that simply is not what the word means. Personal interactions are almost never fair, when it comes to emotional dealings, there is ALWAYS bias, its the nature of the animal. However, agreements can be fair- legitimately sought and given- to all parties involved no matter what the agreement may be. An agreement, willing participation in a set of actions or expressions, provides a set of guides by which we interact with other people. If your agreement is that you will only spend X amount of time with person A or, not spend more than X amount of time with person B- then it may piss you off that you have to limit your interactions, but you have entered into the agreement- if you dont like it, renegotiate.

Hearing the phrase "It's not fair..." makes me crazy. Did you agree to it? Is the partner you agreed with following along with the agreement? Are they honest about it? Then, well, its fair to that agreement. Do you have to like it? No. It may bring forth an emotion that you had not expected or dont like, but the 'fairness' of the situation has little to do with the emotion of the action and everything to do with the practical application of the agreement. In the end complaining of the 'fairness' of a situation seems to be an emotional tactic to levy guilt onto your partner for something you agreed to that you dont like the implications of.

Personally, my concept of 'fairness' in a poly relationship is making sure that I really think about my motivations and desires in a relationship. Am I making agreements that I can live with? Am I being honest with myself and my partner on the nature of the desire? Am I making agreements that dont off-put other agreements I have made? Am I honestly seeking, pursuing and acting on my desires with honesty and openness?

Equal-

1.	as great as; the same as (often fol. by to or with): The velocity of sound is not equal to that of light.

2.	like or alike in quantity, degree, value, etc.; of the same rank, ability, merit, etc.: two students of equal brilliance.

3.	evenly proportioned or balanced: an equal contest.

4.	uniform in operation or effect: equal laws.

The terms "primary" and "secondary" in the poly community have vast meanings between people and to be honest, they are labels that I find useless, because they are too fluid. Someone with whom I share a household and finances with would be a primary partner in that aspect, but maybe not in the emotional aspect- I may talk to another partner more about the current emotional or personal issue I have- does that make them my 'primary' for that conversation or period of time? I am not interested in having to constantly relabel my relationships to fit what is going on in my world at the time. So, rather than try- I just dont use the labels and I treat each relationship as its own entity without trying to measure one relationship against the other.

What does this have to do with equality? Just because I dont use the terms to designate the hierarchy of my relationships does not automatically mean that I treat all my relationships equally. Why? Because, in my opinion, if you are treating everyone equally you are either lying to them or lying to yourself. All relationships are different because they happen with different people at different times in your life. Attempting to treat all your partners equally, keeping all the relationships on the same level all the time is an exercise in futility. Maybe you have a partner you only see once a month or a week or a year and you have another partner that you see daily you love them both- please, someone tell me how you are going to keep these two relationships equal in anything- time, emotion, attention? Or, you share parenting responsibility with one and not the other, or own a business with one and not the other, or you have a house and a financial obligation to one and not the other. Even if you have two partners you love with whom you share a home, a family, time and attention- how do you keep your emotions towards them equal?

Trying to treat everyone the same is as limiting in my book as monogamy can be. My central philosophical base, in poly and in the rest of my life, is that I am the only one who decides how my actions, interactions, relationships, and choices are expressed. I can not willingly enter into an agreement with someone to treat all my partners equally without limiting my ability to express myself within them. That would be an unfair agreement for me, because it would be going against an agreement I have already made with myself.

Additionally, treating each relationship equally means constantly making a value judgment on one relationship in terms of  the others I have. I practice the idea that relationships (romantic, sexual, friendship, family) exist as their own entity. Yes, they may have interactions with other relationships and there may be times when one set of relationship agreements means limiting the agreements I can make in others, but the relationship itself has its own energy and expression and emotion. How can I judge one relationship on the merits of another? If I am investing as much of my personal resources as I choose and desire to in each relationship then I have done right by that relationship, so why would I try and force each relationship to be equal?

Equitable-
1.characterized by equity or fairness; just and right; fair; reasonable:

Granted, the term 'equitable' isnt much better than 'fair' or 'equal' for general use, but I like the term for a number of reasons. It ties nicely my thoughts on the fairness of agreements and the desire to invest as much of my personal resources as I want and can into my relationships. Not fair in that I should have everything everyone else has or equal in the the idea that I am just as or not as important to my partners, but reasonable within the meaning of the two words. I strive to be reasonable in my interactions- not binded by expectation or assumption, but using open communication and honesty about my own motivations and desires and how those play out in my relationships. I have and will agree to things that fall outside my own personal feelings on how to organize relationships because there is no rational reason not to. Does it break any agreements that I have made with others or myself? If it does, then I have to either renegotiate or walk away from the situation. If it doesn't, then why would I not agree to it? Because I may not like it from an emotional place? That is my problem, not my partners. If there comes a point where I cant deal with the emotional state and its costing me my happiness- then I have broken a key agreement with myself- that I will not allow anyone to screw with my happiness for their gain alone.

Yeah, I get jealous. Yeah, I have moments where I wish that I could have expressions that my current agreements dont allow for. Yeah, sometimes I want to stomp my feet and have someone placate my emotional needs. However, what I know is that I got myself into this, I made these agreements, no one put a gun to my head, and I am the one with the power to do something about it or cut my losses and walk away.

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